Wedding Advice from the Hitchin Post Gal!

What are your pet peeves?  Is there anything you want to change about your spouse?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.  Let me start by saying that this question does not permit you to bombard your other half with all the reasons you dislisk him/her.  That’s unhealthy and will get you nowhere.  However, this is the time to lay the important matters (and maybe some not-so-important ones) on the line and be clear (and loving) about what kinds of things annoy you.  It is better to talk about this BEFORE it becomes an issue.  Think prevention.

Another thing…be honest with yourself about this.  You know that certain habit of your partner that you tend to laugh about now in order to avoid getting annoyed?  As the years go by, it will be harder and harder to laugh about it.  So bring it to the surface.  Deal with it.  And maybe it will BECOME a source of laughter for BOTH of you since you were honest and open about it.

Here’s an example to give you a better idea of what I’m talking about: Last night we had dinner with some great friends.  They are married as well and we started talking about differences in personalities and such.  Well, two of us (yes, that’s me included) can eat dinner during a movie, leave the plates on the coffee table until the movie is over, THEN clean up.  Why stop the movie?!  However, the other two are the types to pause the movie, take the dishes to the kitchen, clean up, and then resume.  This whole issue seeeeems innocent enough, but I am SURE that there has been a fight or two among couples about this very thing.  Why not talk about it before you’re married, understand who you’re marrying, and set your mind to accepting that.  Maybe in talking about it, the two of you can even come to a compromise (Crazy thought, I know).

Speaking of compromise, don’t look at this conversation as a one-way street…the cars are coming at you too!  Listen carefully to your partner, and then be willing to make adjustments accordingly.  If your future spouse REALLY doesn’t like when people chew gum, make an extra effort not to chew gum in front of him/her.  And if your future spouse really likes to keep the calendar updated, don’t forget to inform him/her of new appointments.

Seems easy enough.  Now go try it.

First of all, I’d like to apologize for my lack of writing lately.  No excuses, just an apology.  Second, I’d like to apologize for officially hosting the longest running top 10 question series ever…I wish I could say it was because I had way more than 10 questions to offer you, but alas…that is not the case.  So here’s #9, and if there’s any hope in the world, #10 will come BEFORE next year.

How do you envision your relationship with family and friends after marrige?

This is a really interesting question to me and one that no one really asked me before I was married.  This little nugget of wisdom came from experience.  For years I’ve watched couples interact with family…some of my own cousins and aunts and uncles.  They seem so natural.  They’ve got a routine.  And really, from the outside, you might not know which person was “original” to the family.  But in watching these people, it never occurred to me that they may have gone through a transition period when they were first married.  There are no written rules about the amount of time you spend on each relationship in your life.  What is the balance between family, friends, and “alone time”???

Recently, my husband and I have been told (multiple times) that we “do alot of stuff with family”.  Well, my parents are divorced, so the first reply is, “We’ve got 3 families to appease.”  The second reply is, “We both have really big families.”  And really, there are just seasons in life when A LOT is going on with family.  And crazy enough, they alllllll expect you to be at everything.  That’s where this question comes in…as a couple, you need to decide what kind of boundaries you are going to set and how you are going to lovingly implement those.  Seriously.  Do it.  You’ll thank me for it one day. Don’t get me wrong, family is soooo important to me (and my husband), but sometimes it just isn’t feasible to be everywhere at once…and sometimes, it isn’t healthy for your marriage to stretch yourselves too thin.

The next part regards friends.  Hopefully by now you and your better half understand the social nature of the other…he/she is a social butterfly or he/she is a hermit…you get it.  For my husband and I, we are both extremely social, love having people over, and always want to be uber-hospitable.  However, early on, we realized the value of learning, “Not tonight.”  Again, our marriage isn’t meant for us to be stretched too thin.  We need to recharge.  We need to reconnect.  And we need alone time even if it is doing nothing more than hanging out and watching tv together.  If we don’t do that, eventually our marriage will suffer and even our relationships with the friends we can’t say “no” to will suffer.  It’s a weird conundrum.

Another weird thing that I didn’t expect out of marriage is the idea that you LIVE together, but you find yourself needing MORE time with each other than you did while you were dating.  What?!  All of a sudden, your time together becomes more valuable and hopefully, more intentional.  The tough thing is that people who aren’t married often don’t understand that.  They can’t wrap their heads around the necessary “alone time” when you live together 24/7.  Well, friends…it is necessary.  In times where you might be questioned, do your best to explain it to those on the outside…they’ll be better prepared in the future and hopefully respect you more for guarding your marriage so jealously.

A WORD OF ADVICE: This can be a sensitive subject sometimes, especially when it comes to family.  Be patient, be understanding, and be forgiving when you are discussing this with your future spouse.  Take time for this discussion when there isn’t an impending family event and when you are both calm, happy, and rational.  And remember, always assume the other has the best intentions at heart…when he/she says, “I don’t think we should attend your family event”, that doesn’t translate to, “I hate your family.”  Find out the reasons behind decisions.  That will take you far.

How do you handle conflict? How does your spouse handle conflict?

Of course, everyone would like to believe that conflict won’t happen in their marriage or that when it does arise, both parties will calmly and civilly resolve the problem. But hello! That doesn’t happen in real life. Naturally, some people are better at dealing with conflict than others and every relationship has a different degree of conflict, but EVERY RELATIONSHIP DEALS WITH CONFLICT AT SOME POINT OR ANOTHER.

I will begin the ugly, self-reflection required for this question. Here’s how I deal with conflict: I avoid it. Plain and simple. Do I like the way I deal with it? No. Would I like to change it? Yes. Am I working on it? Yes. Here’s the deal…when I feel even the slightest bit of tension in the air, I do everything in my power to resolve it or sweep it under the rug. The worst part about this is that I keep it all bottled up inside of me until it explodes and unfortunately, my husband receives the brunt of all the conflicts in the past month (whether it be between the two of us or between me and a totally separate party) at one time! That is totally unfair to him. In my younger and dumber years, I thought this method was beneficial; I thought I saved a lot of people a lot of heartache by keeping everything to myself. However, in my older and wiser years, I’ve realized it is totally unhealthy for me and completely defeats the purpose of relationships. Relationships should be built on trust and understanding and in dealing with conflict the way I do, I am not trusting that the other person will continue to love me and I am not giving them the chance to give the gift of understanding. Essentially, I am attempting to build a two-way relationship on a one way street by blocking their lane!

So now that I know this about myself, what am I to do with this daunting information? Well, I had to make a very conscious effort to bring up concerns or hurts WHEN THEY ARISE. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like it, but I know that it is super beneficial and I trust that my husband will love me no matter how ridiculous or legitimate my concerns might be. It isn’t easy and it sure isn’t delightful, but there is something about working through conflict that makes a relationship deeper and more genuine.

The interesting thing about this question is that not only do you have to do a bit of self-evaluation, but you also have to dissect the method(s) by which your other half deals with conflict. My husband is similar to me in that he would prefer to avoid the conflict. When we first started dating, I tried REALLY hard to bring up things that were bothering me so they didn’t fester inside my heart. But I always got confused because I would bring it up for discussion and he would go silent…absolutely silent. In his mind, he didn’t think I wanted to discuss anything. He thought I just wanted to get it out and there was no room for him to defend himself or share his side of the story. That caused lots of problems. After learning that about him, I had a huge role to play in our relationship: I had to demonstrate that I truly wanted to talk it out. If he decided to defend himself and I bit off his head, I would only prove his theory that I really didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I had to be consistent in my responses so that his trust in my reactions and in my love would build. That’s where the value of the second question really comes in…what is your RESPONSE to your spouse’s reaction to conflict?

Moral of the story: I truly believe that conflict can be a beautiful thing.  When dealt with properly, it strengthens and deepens relationships like nothing else.  So welcome the inevitable, the beautiful…but welcome it with wisdom and self-control.  Love your other half enough to work diligently on your reactions.

The following two questions are HUGE in pre-marital discussions…absolutely important and significant.  My lack of commentary is in no way reflective of how serious I do/don’t take these two questions.  Rather, I am curious to hear YOUR thoughts.  Whether you’re already married and have great advice regarding these things or whether you’re on the stressful blissful path to your wedding day, let me know your thoughts, learned-lessons, or wise counsel when it comes to religion and sex in marriage.

What is the role of religion in your life?

How important is sex in your idea of a healthy marriage?

If you haven’t already discussed these questions with your future spouse, make a commitment to do it today.  Not only will it be beneficial for your future as a couple but it will also provide thought-provoking, potentially uncomfortable, giggle-inducing, deeply edifying dinner conversation.

DO YOU WANT KIDS?  HOW MANY?  WHEN?  WHY?

OK, this question is so extremely important but pretty self-explanatory. If you can’t figure out why you would need to discuss this question, then you probably shouldn’t be having kids…period.

For some couples, this is going to be a short, easy conversation. But for others, this can be an emotional and on-going conversation. Bottom line…discuss it.

As a side note: I think the “why?” in this question is vital. Maybe not for your relationship, but if for nothing else it makes you really think about why you want to bring another life into this world and if you are in a place that caters to that desire. Do you want kids so that you can love them unconditionally? Are you in a place that your selfishness won’t get in the way of that? Whatever the resulting answers and questions that come from this important “why?”, it will be revealing and thought-provoking.

WHAT IS THE ROLE OF THE HUSBAND? WHAT IS THE ROLE OF THE WIFE?

“Baby, get in the kitchen.” Yes, that is what my husband just said to me when I told him I was writing a blog on the roles of men and women in a marriage. Luckily, I know him well enough to know he was kidding so he was spared bitter language, deadly glares, and a few days of brewed anger. But, hey…each to his (or her) own, right?! Seriously, every couple will differ on their beliefs in the roles that wives and husbands should take. The important thing is that you agree. Since it is a very personal thing and very unique to each couple, I only have a few words of wisdom…

Be open to change during different seasons in life. Don’t be so set on who does what that you don’t allow reconsideration when life circumstances change. For instance, say a couple moves to a new town for the husband’s job which leaves the wife on the job hunt. It doesn’t always make sense for the husband and wife to share responsibilities equally in that situation. Maybe the wife should step back and realize that she is home all day, while her hubby works, so she has the extra time and energy to take care of some of the household needs. Of course the situation can always be reversed. Whatever the case, both parties should be understanding of the other’s situation and always be appreciative (and even self-sacrificing at times).

The biggest thing I’ve learned in this is that putting my husband before myself is a must. Even if I don’t want to fold the clothes that have been sitting in the dryer for 3 days, I do it anyway (eventually) because I know it needs to be done and I have way more time than he does. But don’t worry ladies, I’m not a super HE-HAS-ALL-THE-RIGHT-TO-BE-A-LAZY-MAN-WHILE-I-WORK kind of gal. The flip side of the coin is that he also puts me before himself and as a result, we meet each others’ needs quite nicely. In fact, he does the dishes every night…LOVE IT!

Just for kicks, feel free to comment on how you and your hubby divvy up the household responsibilities or how you plan to once you’re married. Maybe the comments will spark a new post or some juicy debate.

HOW DO YOU MANAGE MONEY? HOW DOES YOUR SPOUSE HANDLE IT? HOW IMPORTANT IS IT TO YOU TO MAINTAIN A CERTAIN SOCIO-ECONOMIC STATUS?

I realize this question might make you want to click right out of this blog, but wait! Don’t let it scare you and don’t let its simplicity make you pass it by. This question could potentially be one of the most important in your relationship. Seriously. The issues that could arise from this particular group of questions are infinite…but here’s my particular experience:

My husband and I honestly are really good at communicating and really don’t have a lot we argue about, but money was definitely a taboo subject in the beginning. We were totally in agreement in terms of our socio-economic status. Neither of us need the extravagant things in life and we are both pretty darn frugal, so that wasn’t really an issue. What it came down to for us was planning for the future. Because we came from very different upbringings, we had very different views on this. He wanted to save for retirement; I wanted to save for vacations. He wanted to save for the kids’ (that hopefully are still 5 years away!) college; I wanted to wait for kids to get that started. He wanted to give a certain amount to our church and charities, and I wanted to give whatever we felt like to individuals each month on top of what we gave our church. So how do you solve those inherently ideological disagreements?

Honestly, I don’t know if we would have ever come to an agreement if we hadn’t brought in some financially savvy friends with similar values to ours. We went to them and just asked them to tell us how they handle their money and how they’ve gotten to where they are (like how did they deal with money when they first started their marriage and how did they progress). Thanks to their honesty and willingness, and our determination to get everything figured out, we are now on the same page financially and are even able to help others in our situation.

Whatever your answers to the above questions, figure it out now. Don’t let it brew problems and don’t let unsettled issues get bigger.

And I promise the next question is juicier, more exciting, and more controversial. Tune in next time…

WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS IN LIFE? (SHORT AND LONG TERM)

I feel like this question is pretty self-explanatory but significant nonetheless. It is so important to talk openly with your future spouse about this otherwise there may be room for hurt feelings and misunderstandings in the future. The answers to this question may include things like where you might live or what kind of job you’d like. Whatever it is, be sure to define it clearly. And remember, just because your goals aren’t his goals, doesn’t mean they can’t mesh together with a little give and take from both parties. I had to learn that some of my dreams and goals would shift, change, or disappear altogether once I got married and that that was ok. You have to make sure you are willing to sacrifice for this person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Your dreams need to take the back seat in relation to your marriage (I know that sounds crazy)…but hopefully, your Mr. Right will be able to meet you where you’re at and reach those goals with you!

When it comes to defining, I have a classic moment where my husband and I needed some serious clarity. I big thing for me is to ensure that life is never boring. I was a bit scared of marriage leading me down a mundane path, so I wanted my husband, then fiancé, to know that I needed some adventure in my life…that a goal of mine was to live life to the fullest if you will. Well, my man is Mr. Practical himself and his thoughts immediately focused on how much “adventure” costs and how much time off work that would require. Sooooo, he was scared out of his mind and had no idea how he could live up to such a standard. We finally talked about it and both realized that our ideas of “adventure” were very different. Of course, I would love the adventures that cost money and the vacations that require time off from work, but I was talking about something else entirely! I was talking about the little things that cost next to nothing. Take me out unexpectedly to a field to watch the stars or take a different route home to show me a town’s hidden treasure and I’m a happy girl. That’s all I wanted, and when that was clarified there was a visible sigh of relief from the ol’ fiancé. Poor guy!

So the moral of the story is to be sure to talk about your expectations for the future and the things you’d like to accomplish or do and clarify, clarify, clarify. But more than that, make sure that YOU are willing to sacrifice if need be. If neither of you are willing to do so, and your dreams are like oil to water, you guys have some serious talking to do and some intense introspection. But remember, if you love and respect each other, there is always a compromise that satisfies both parties.

For me, the idea of marriage conjured up a whole slew of emotions and thoughts. I had a tough time wrapping my head around the concept and really understanding what I was taking on. Luckily, by way of premarital counseling, good friends, and good books, I was able to work my way through the mire of confusion that comes with the most important commitment of your life. I could probably write a book on the things I learned about myself, my spouse, and marriage in general, but instead I give you MY top ten questions to ponder before getting married. I could list them all out in one post, but I really think these deserve careful consideration and should be a jump start to constructive conversation between you and your better half, so I am going to post one at a time along with my personal thoughts on each question. Thus, without further ado, I present question #1…

WHAT EXCITES YOU MOST ABOUT MARRIAGE? WHAT SCARES YOU MOST ABOUT MARRIAGE?

This question was included in our premarital counseling. When I was first considering questions to include in my top 10 countdown, I passed this one over repeatedly. But with more thought, I realized this one actually deserved a place of honor. It gets right down to the heart of the journey you’re on. It tackles the highs AND the lows of what you may be feeling during this crazy, stressful, wonderful time in your life.

I really like the first question just because of the raw joy it reveals. Sometimes during your engagement, you may come across people that really aren’t that excited for you or really don’t want to hear about how perfect your Mr. Right is. But really people…if you can’t be excited during your engagement, when can you be?! If you start out mundane, where does that direct the rest of your life together? Get excited! Love your man unashamedly! This will only set a beautiful precedent for the rest of your life together. Another part of this first question that I love is that it may serve as a reminder after the big day as to why you said “I do” in the first place. I know for me, I got really frustrated shortly after our wedding when people would ask us how marriage was. We’d say it was great, and they’d say “Oh you just wait…you’re still in the honeymoon stage”. Why do people insist on stealing our joy? Why is the world’s view of marriage so pessimistic? So to those people, I say “Here’s why I love marriage, here’s why it excited me and why it still excites me…now back off and let me enjoy it!”

The second part is just pure reality. Many, many, many people have genuine fears about marriage. I repeat, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. I know for me, there were fears about “just falling out of love” someday and fears about giving up my dreams when I stood at the altar. So talk with your future spouse and don’t be afraid to be honest. I truly believe that love drives out fear. The more I fell in love with my husband, the more the fears dissipated. What’s more, I think that the fact that my husband knew my fears allowed him to hold me up in my weakness and offer sincere and understanding patience during our journey towards marriage.

Now go get to talkin’…